Asbos? We can go way dafter than that

THE FRIDAY THING:

HAS the Coalition declared war on all kids?

It is not only the would-be bright sparks whose future prospects have been dimmed by savage increases in university fees, but the, shall we say, less academic (if being academic means spending all night on the booze, learning how to deal with a hangover and sexually transmitted diseases as well as sleeping through the few lectures graced with an appearance) who are in the firing line, too.

The ambition-damaging blow for those whose place has always been at the bottom of the class is to be delivered shortly by the withdrawal of the last hope of shining achievement.

No longer will there be the chance of an Asbo to frame on the mantelpiece; no more will parenting orders, graffiti removal orders and dog control orders be on offer to mark a life well spent in indolence and mischief.

These orders and many, many more dreamt up by the last Labour Government’s hard-working daft-idea a-day department are to be binned once the members of the Coalition’s we-can-do-better-than-that department have started talking to one another again.

So far the plans for tackling the scourge of anti-social behaviour are filed in the PM and deputy PM’s top secret drawer along with papers on mindfulness, well-being and the Big Society and will be revealed when they have decided who has the key to open the drawer and whose turn it is anyway.

The crime prevention minister, the hardly known even in his own home James Brokenshire, hints at police discretionary powers, pilot schemes (inevitably), personal logs (handy on bonfire night), streamlining and, of course, a review. I am sure we will all sleep easier in our beds.



THIS time next week Oldham East and Saddleworth will have a new MP. Will it change the lives of local folk? Er, probably not.

However, it could give us all a bit of light relief in these decidedly gloomy times with the likes of Bus Pass Elvis, Nick “the flying brick” Delves and Pirate, otherwise known as Loz Kay on the ballot paper competing against the usual suspects in a list of 10 would-be, fair-chance, fat-chance and no-chance candidates for the right to represent us. There is something delightful in the thought of the returning officer, either mayor David Jones or Charlie announcing that the Bus Pass Elvis party had won. And scoff not; the good folk of Hartlepool voted for man in a monkey suit to be their mayor. Anything they can do in Hartlepool . . .



FINAL WORD: Our friends the boffins have come up with a splendid new year message for us all; that making love once a week instead of once a month will make us feel as good as a £30,000 a year pay rise. I don’t expect you to say what would do your well-being most good — sex or an extra 30 grand in the bank — but I can guess.