Mine’s staying in its pencil case...

PAV’S PATCH: I HAVE some bad news for you, dear readers.

I was recently invited to pose for a charity nude 2011 calendar for 103.6FM Tameside Radio.

I have to tell you that I declined.

Now I know this news will horrify you — especially my faithful lady followers. I know you’ll be asking why a man like me, with a sublimely proportioned body, should turn down the chance to flaunt his physique in public.

The fact is, I have no idea what sort of sad person would want to buy a calendar showing pictures of flabby middle-aged men... or indeed, women.

This whole tacky trend was dreamed up by those strange WI women who had a film made about them. I’ve never understood why anyone was interested in past-it Yorkshire birds hiding their bits behind flour sieves and the like. I mean, let’s be honest: women should cover up once they get past 25.

Let me stress that’s not being sexist. Neither do I believe there’s a market for ageing men. If the WI women required considerably bigger buns to cover up, the Tameside Radio presenters would need considerably shorter pencils.

I’ve worked in factories and I can see the merit in certain types of calendar. But semi-naked flab? No thank you. I’m amazed that any self-respecting charity would want to be associated with such a thing.

And there’s the rub — the double-standard. The average woman will pant all over some scantily-clad firemen, claiming it’s all in a good cause, but they get very hot under the collar if they see a shapely bikini-clad babe. Charity goes out of the window when they see a buxom blonde.

I blame a lot of this on that bloke from Channel 4 who goes about with a clothes peg through his ear. What’s his name? Aunty Gok? He’s made a fortune out of getting dumpy women to pose naked. However, I reckon he’s pulling a fast one. The women he gets on his programme may seem dowdy at first glance but they scrub up amazingly well. He’s clearly cheating.

Hopefully, 103.6FM Tameside Radio have given up on their barmy idea. Any calendar bearing their mugs would have to be X-rated although it might prove useful if put above the mantelpiece in terms of keeping the kids away from the fire.

Nope, I will be keeping my string vest firmly on my back. And with that, allow me to wish you a happy New Year. Sadly, I very much doubt that it will be prosperous.