Variety drew a blankety blank..

CHANNEL HOPPING: AS the rest of us prepared to move forward into 2011, this year’s Royal Variety Performance actually went BACK in time.

An all-star line-up promised plenty but, aside from omnipresent host Michael McIntyre, delivered... well, not very much.

The posh funnyman at least kept things ticking over during the two-hour marathon. Is there anything that bloke hasn’t been on lately?

The show somehow had something missing — and while I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was at first, the BBC’s cheap-looking set had all the answers.

Filled with colourful shapes and odd patches, the flimsy backdrop was surely borrowed from Auntie’s archives filed under “Blankety Blank – circa 1980” — minus the chequebook and pen of course.

It’s true the event boasted some of Britain’s top stars — for 50 blanks we had Spelbound, for 100 blanks Susan Boyle and for 150 blanks Cheryl Cole — it also featured more than a few dodgy stand-ups which hardly revealed a legend in the presence of Charles and Camilla.

In between blank looks, the royals looked embarrassed to be there, especially when Jack Whitehall (no, me neither) made a gag about the Queen’s corgis.

In the end, it was left to Take That to bring down the curtain on another year, albeit with a bunch of semi-naked male dancers writhing around in front of them.

“Don’t forget tonight’s competition,” declared McIntyre during the standing ovation. “Can you guess the sexuality of the choreographer?”

One can only imagine what Les Dawson would have made of it all.




IN view of her name, marketing alcoholic drinks in “The Apprentice” final was always going to favour Stella English.
Stella was the stronger candidate throughout though and, now on a six-figure salary, I think Lord Sugar will find the full-bodied blonde reassuringly expensive.


Soap roar: “I wonder what he’ll call you – granny or nan?” — Shirley winds up Glenda about Ronnie’s impending new arrival on the Square.

Soap bore: “I’ve had him on crushed sedatives for days. Today I went to pull his oxygen tube out.”— Janine gets into the festive spirit by confessing to Pat about trying to kill Ryan in “EastEnders”.