Top tips to survive Christmas

PAV’S PATCH:

THEY say that if Christmas didn’t exist, it would have to be invented. Apparently, an unbelievable amount of trade goes on in December. Jewellers, for example, do something like a third or a quarter of their business.

Personally, I see the entire festival as something to be endured. My 12-year-old son has reached the point where he no longer pens a letter to Father Christmas. Instead, he sits at the computer for an hour, assembles a list, and hands me a printed copy. And I’m simply supposed to find the £1,000 or whatever is needed.

Once upon a time, at least he used to say: “But you don’t pay for it, the elves make it.”

No longer. He now assumes that the money can be found for anything he likes. So here’s Pav’s top 10 tips for Christmas survival.

1) Buy only what someone actually wants. Don’t be taken in by all this nonsense about stocking-fillers. I’ve seen my kids get a mountain of presents and never touch 25 per cent of them.

2) Pick the cheapest wrapping paper you can find. The stuff just gets ripped off and chucked to one side. What’s the point of spending lots on waste paper?

3) Similarly, choose the cheapest crackers. If your house is anything like mine, the fun is in pulling the cracker and seeing what’s inside. They don’t keep the toys. Once the meal’s over at my place, all the plastic frogs go straight in the bin.

4) If you can, do your shopping on Christmas Eve. I know it’s very late but you’d be amazed at how much stuff is cut-price. After all, the supermarkets are shut on Christmas Day and Easter eggs are out on Boxing Day. Take a risk and you’ll be amazed what you’ll find.

5) Don’t bother with table decorations — what’s the point? People want to eat food, not admire fancy candles.

6) Have no truck with ridiculous schemes like Secret Santa. Why should you want to buy a present for someone you work with?

7) Make sure Christmas do’s are sensible. The lunatics in my office are going to a Spanish place in Manchester. My reaction to that was “adios”. Bag of chips in Ashton will do me.

8) Only send cards to people you like. You really don’t have to share them with everyone.

9) Buy the cheapest cards you can. After all, they only go in the recycling in January.

10) Walk into another room, fire a starting pistol, and then tell your children Christmas is off as Santa has shot himself.

Compliments of the season. Or should I say: “Bah! Humbug!”